As long as WWE has been around, fans have been able to throw their money at the company in exchange for merchandise emblazoned with the images of your favorite wrestlers. Whether it’s a T-shirt, foam finger, or those really cool Bret “Hitman” Hart sunglasses, wrestling fans have always had ways to show allegiance to their favorite sports entertainer–at a price. Sometimes, the products offered by the company aren’t don’t hit the mark all that well, though. How badly can they miss? On an episode of GameSpot’s pro wrestling podcast Wrestle Buddies, we dug into the 20 weirdest, worst, and most hilarious items ever released.
While it’s entirely possible you owned an Austin 3:16 T-shirt, can you say the same for WWE’s line of festive holiday nutcrackers? Did you actually spend money to own edible pictures of WWE superstars that were meant to be put on pizzas? Hopefully not, because both of these are ridiculous ideas.
Honestly, though, those are some of the more tame of WWE’s most ridiculous products. Do yourself a favor and sit back and let us take you on a ride through the Shopzone as we look at the most bizarre pieces of WWE merchandise ever released.
1. The Daniel Bryan Beard Hat
There was a time when Daniel Bryan’s beard was the most popular superstar in all of WWE. Still, this seems a little strange. Why would the bill of the hat be a beard? And who would wear this in public? The answer, I can only assume, is nobody.
2. WWF Maximum Sweat Action Figures
Yeah, regular action figures are okay. But you know what’s really cool? Action figures that sweat. Maximum Sweat action figures were ridiculously designed and “sweat” water, which would drop all over your hands and practically everything else.
3. Gingerbread Man Holiday Ornaments
Where do I even start with this one? These holiday ornaments are gingerbread renditions of WWE superstars. Having these on your Christmas tree would be an interesting choice. After all, you would probably be the only person with an Aiden English Christmas ornament, which was designed to look like a cookie.
4. New Day Pops
Yeah, the New Day leads to a lot of weird products, one of which we’ll get to later. New Day Pops, though, is a truly bizarre find. It’s essentially a popsicle kit, in which the pops are shaped like unicorn horns. What ridiculously unhealthy treat won’t New Day sell? And in case you’re wondering, this particular gem comes from my personal collection, thanks to a generous gift from my GameSpot wrestle buddy Mat Elfring.
5. CM Punk’s Garden Gnomes
The best garden gnome in the world! Nothing says “straight edge” like this weird collection of CM Punk-themed garden gnomes. Surprisingly, WWE released garden gnomes for a few superstars, but this is truly the strangest choice of the bunch, especially given that one of them is holding a steel folding chair. That gnome is threatening us all.
6. WWE Pizza Prints
Pizza is already perfect as it is. Why would WWE want me to put an edible photo of the Undertaker on it? I get that it wants to brand as much as possible with the WWE logo and the company’s biggest superstars, but this is way too much. I don’t need John Cena staring at me, judging me, while I eat a slice.
7. The Triple H Brass Ring
So many wrestlers try to grab that brass ring to make it to the next level of stardom in WWE. Who knew that the entire time the ring was actually shaped like Triple H’s face? Honestly, there’s so much skull imagery that’s identified with Triple H that would have made for a very cool ring. That this one is just his head is downright creepy. Who wants to wear that?
8. Punjabi Prison Playset
Hey kids! Want to own a toy version of what is, perhaps, WWE’s worst gimmick match of all time? (That is if we’re not counting the Kennel from Hell match.) Then step right up and get your own Punjabi Prison playset! It was essentially two bamboo cages that you have to escape. It was also an embarrassment of a match with a structure that was hard to see through. Who needs to see the wrestling during a wrestling match, though? Not surprisingly, the Punjabi Prison match wasn’t well-received and very rarely pops up anymore. That is, unless you have this toy rendition to remind you of one of WWE’s biggest gimmick match fails.
9. The Va-Chyna Shirt
Yes, the Attitude Era was a very edgy time for WWE. However, as I’ve discussed before, it was also kind of awful. How else do you explain this Chyna-centric shirt? With all of the classiness of, well, a D-Generation X sketch, the shirt reads “Va-Chyna” on the front and “Enter at your own risk” on the back. I almost feel bad that Eddie Guerrero had to wear this so often during his storyline with the 9th Wonder of the World.
10. The APA Bar & Grill Shirt
Another item from the Attitude Era shirts file is this APA gem. Keep in mind the Acolytes started as, essentially, the demonic minions of the Undertaker in his Ministry of Darkness. They then went on to become for-hire muscle that would beat up anyone on the WWE roster for a few bucks. This shirt, though, says APA stands for “Always Pounding Ass.” We know what they’re trying to say, but how did they not figure out what it actually sounds like?
11. The Randy Orton Christmas Shirt
Then there’s this shirt, which is too cutesy to ever be part of the Attitude Era. Is Randy Orton giving the RKO to a snowman? What did the snowman do to him? Does Randy hate Christmas? Outta’ Snowhere? Really? Honestly, this shouldn’t be a T-shirt. It should be the plot of a WWE animated holiday film.
12. WWE Crush House Video Game
Wrestling video games are the best. For better or worse, the latest WWE title is fun to pick up and obsess over every single year. There was one particular game, though, that doesn’t stand the test of time. However, that’s mostly because this wrestling game isn’t a wrestling game at all. WWE Crush Hour was a demolition derby game where the cars were themes of certain wrestlers. So no, you can’t play as The Rock. But you can play as The Rock’s car if that’s the sort of thing you’re into.
As silly as this all is, though, I still played far too many hours of this title on GameCube, recognizing the entire time how terrible it was.
This is, without a doubt, the most well-known of WWE’s completely and utterly ridiculous products. Booty-O’s are a bonafide hit because almost anything the New Day touches is gold. Still, do you look to WWE for your morning nutrition? Of course not. Besides, these are just Lucky Charms in a big blue box. There’s no telling how many millions of dollars WWE made on them, though.
Editor’s note: They are delicious.
14. The John Cena Nutcracker
WWE sure has a thing for weird holiday paraphernalia. Their line of collectible nutcrackers are truly baffling, but there’s something strangely endearing about a strange wooden statue that thinks we can’t see it.
15. Kairi Sane’s Pirate Treasure
Honestly, as weird as these are, they’re also kind of adorable. The Pirate Princess needs her treasure, and these plastic coins will do the trick. Still, what would you do with these? It’s a small sack of fake coins. It’s such a pointless way to spend five bucks.
16. Superstar Shootout Table Hockey
For this one, we have to go way back in time. At the height of ’80s wrestling, WWE’s stable of characters included everyone from the Big Boss Man to the Mission Dollar Man to Sgt. Slaughter to, of course, Hulk Hogan. What’s the best way to exploit these wrestling characters? In some kind of wrestling game, maybe? No, don’t be silly. They should all be playing hockey in their wrestling gear because nothing says wrestling like guys in tights playing hockey.
Honestly, as dumb as this is, I definitely wish I had it. Truthfully, that’s how I feel about practically everything on this list, except…
17. The Funkasaurus Piggy Bank
Why does this exist? Piggy banks that look like wrestlers? Why? What’s insane is this one isn’t even based on the wrestler. It’s based on the fictional beast the wrestler wanted to be like, which was a dancing dinosaur. This is a piggy bank patterned after a wrestler that was patterned after a dancing dinosaur. Sure, you might need a place to put your Kairi San plastic pirate coins, but find somewhere better.
18. A Commemorative Undertaker Urn
The Undertaker’s WWE career is legendary and unmatched by anyone else who’s stepped into the ring. He’s deserving of our adoration and thanks, as fans. And I get what WWE is doing with this particular product, given the character of the Deadman. However, an urn that says “Thank You Taker” is a very strange thing to sell. What’s more, this isn’t an urn. It’s a resin model of an urn that’s solid, so you can’t even use it to hold onto the ashes of your wrestling fandom. With WWE charging $90 for this thing, it needs to be at least a little bit more useful.
19. WWF Cologne: Come Smell Some
What’s crazier than action figures of sweating wrestlers? Bottling that scent as a cologne! Alright, so WWF Cologne probably doesn’t smell like sweaty dudes rolling around on the ground. Honestly, though, what’s even remotely appealing about a WWF scent and makes you want to shell out money to get some of it?
20. The WWE Championship Waffle Maker
This is all you need for a literal breakfast of champions. The WWE Championship waffle maker is such a cool and weird idea, especially given with how detailed the design of the waffles seems to be. In the end, though, it’s just way too ridiculous. The waffles are so incredibly detailed in the model and will, in no way, look like this when made in your kitchen. Just stick with your standard waffle maker–you’ll be better off.
Source: Game Spot Mashup